How to stop criminal assholes from jacking your shit.

It seems almost every day while perusing moto related forums on the interwebs that I see this bike has been stolen or that bike has gone missing. Occasionally someone will upload some grainy home CCTV footage showing a couple of scrotes hoisting a bike over a back garden fence. 

It always makes me wonder... what are these people using to secure their bikes with, wet spaghetti? 

Criminals are defeated when shit gets too hard for them to move. Unless they are an extremely well equipped and organised outfit most home security will defeat your run of the mill bike thief. So why are so many bikes still being jacked considering bikers are spoilt for choice when it comes to security? 

From what I've seen, read and watched it's down to the fact that people haven't got the first damn clue how to make it hard for criminals.

So here's some tips for you...

Get your crime on

To even start looking at security in the right way you need to think like a criminal. Think like a bike thief might. Look at your bike and think how you would steal it, how you would defeat the security, what might make it hard for you to get away with your pride and joy? 

This can be easier said than done of course as most of us have zero bike thieving experience and generally try and stay on the right side of the law - which only seems to have long arms when you've got a small number-plate and a loud exhaust.. but that, perhaps, is a conversation for another time. But considering how you might attack your own security is a very good way to find weaknesses that might make it easy for a crook. 

You gonna steal the lamppost as well? 

Some of us have the luxury of garages and secure back yards but many bikers have no choice but to leave their much beloved machines on the street. So if you have to park your bike on the street think about what you can secure it too and how you secure it. Think about how easy it might be for a couple of blokes to lift it into a van in the dead of night.

1) I use multiple security devices.

A disc lock is a fair deterrent to your opportunistic 'I'll just wheel this nice S1000RR away' type of thief, but to this I add a decent quality chain and I have my bike data-tagged with very visible datatag stickers as well as an alarm. This way if they really want it they have a whole bunch of hassle to get it. 

2) I secure it to something solid via a point on the frame of the motorcycle. 

What you secure it too doesn't mean a damn thing if it's tied to a weak point on your bike. I've seen bikes secured by very expensive chains to solid structures by way of pillion peg mounts, which on most bikes can just be unbolted. Or via the wheel, which again, takes a whole 60 seconds to remove on most machines. Look for a point on the frame of the bike, either the chassis or the subframe to secure it to. This way they will be forced to defeat the chain (which on most high quality chains will take an angle grinder, a lot of time, noise and about 10 blades for it) or dismantle the whole bike to get at it. Most thieves do not wanna be unbolting sub-frames and dropping engines out and chassis to knick a bike. It's too much hassle and does not make for a quick getaway. 

This, in real terms, is about as effective as leaving a post-it note on the seat
that says "please don't steal me"

3) Park it somewhere awkward

Bike thieves if they can defeat the security will still most likely have to manually handle the bike to get it into a van or wheel it off down the road. So securing it somewhere that makes it hard to do this is a good idea. Either by way of parking it, say, tight between two colleagues/neighbors/family members cars with it chained to one of their cars, or both. Or by way of parking it in a very noticeable area, perhaps somewhere well overlooked, well lit with obvious security cameras spying down on it. Or blocking it in with bins or other awkward/loud to move stuff.

4) Consider the hassle as a payoff

I know when you're tired and it's raining you don't wanna be scrabbling around under your bike feeding a bulky chain through a gap in the frame and then manhandling the bike when you realise you're 10cm out of reach on the chain connector after it's gone round the lamppost. But all the effort you go to pails into insignificance when you consider the effort you'll got to to try and rely on the Plod to recover your stolen machine and your insurance to make every damn excuse they can why they won't payout/replace it. And sadly only a very small percentage of knicked bikes ever make it back to their owners, a smaller percentage of that still in one piece. So go to the extra lengths to secure it.

If you do have a driveway, backyard or maybe a garage then install a ground anchor, alarms, security lighting. Do everything in your power to make it hard. Get creative... 

Hijacking

While in the UK hijacking is less common than in many other countries the spate of scooter douches jacking bikes right out of the hands of owners has highlighted a need to be prepared for theft on the road as well as when parked. 

So here are some practical tips for fending off balaclava'd doucheholes riding glorified lawnmowers...

Plan Ahead; Leave enough space between you and the vehicles in front so that you can get out if you need to. Identify escape routes round other cars, over pavements and between obstacles while coming to a stop at lights/junctions. Especially in intercity areas.

Keep it in gear; It may only take a split second to smack that selector into the mesh but that split second could be better used to slip that clutch out and get the fuck out of Dodge. So leave it in gear and be ready to beat a hasty retreat. 

Eyes up your arse; Always be aware of what's going on around you. If people are getting uncomfortably close know they're there and plan effectively to move away. 

Be prepared for the worst case; If all else fails you don't want them to be able to make a hasty retreat if they do get you off your bike. Leaving it in gear helps to this end, if you dump the clutch with the brake on it's a super way to instantly kill the engine. The benefit of his is it also loads the input shaft, so they'll have to do that annoying roll-it-forward-a-bit to get it back out of gear. Top this off, if you're being wrestled off your bike hit the killswitch as well - one more obstacle to overcome. A minor one but it's all about making it hard for them, remember? The cherry on the cake is to drop the bike, or even push/kick it over  (with a bit of luck onto one of them - even a mere 130kg of 125 can snap a leg like a matchstick) - now they have to lift it up, get it out of gear AND flip the killswitch which may give you enough chance to hand out a deserved ass whooping or for help to arrive or for them to give up and fuck off (hopefully into the path of an oncoming bus). If you can try to rip the key out of the ignition and retain it. But the other methods here will usually suffice.

Make use of your armour; If you wear gear then good, because this is body armour for the road and for being a road warrior, it will protect you from injury if attacked - I can attest to this from first hand experience. Even if they're also wearing gear like a helmet you can still rock someone with a hard enough blow to the head and you can still wrestle someone to the ground. You know what armoured MX or race boots are also good for? Stomping someone a new mudhole... or just use that shoulder armour to fucking spear them into the nearest car/railing/oncoming tuck... get creative. If someone wants my bike they can prize it from my cold dead fingers. That's the way I see it. 

But, I'm not fit, I don't know how to fight, I'm scared. Nothing to be ashamed of, hell I've got 10+ years martial arts and unarmed combat experience but I'd be lying if I said the last time I had to use it for real I wasn't scared. But play to your strengths; if your a big dude then bear hug one of them to the ground. If you're small and light throw fucking shapes and get butt-wild, kick the shins, aim for the family jewels. If you're a quick city rider then haul ass outta there. Escape is always numero uno on the list. If you have one opportunity to disengage and escape then take it. 

Take a Mate; Riding in groups is great for a number of reasons and besides great banter, good times and group selfies it's also good for protection. Us bikers love to ride after all so if you've got to pick up a toaster in East Croydon at 8pm and don't fancy braving it alone then find someone who fancies a little ride out, throw in a pub dunner and it's happy days. Plus bike hijacking asswipes are far less likely to target a two or more riders likely not fancying their chances against you and 3 other Power Rangers sporting full armour and jack boots.

   

Send a message. 

I don't mean go full on vigilante justice here (unless that's your cup of tea... I mean, I'm not saying don't do it) but the more bikers make it tough for thieves and fight back both with security and physically to hijakings the more they're gonna have to rethink their targets and tactics and as I've already said; your average bike crook isn't part of a multinational criminal racket with unlimited funds and resources. Most are clever opportunists that quite frankly a lot of bikers play right into the hands of. 

Bikers as a collective being more aware and upping their anti crime game we will also force them to up their crime game as well for many they will turn their attention to other areas, particularly the opportunist types that so many bikes seem to be lost to over garden fences and out of shoddily protected sheds.